Up in the Air

I started this blog in February…eager to get out of my own comfort zone and document my experience getting EFL certified and moving abroad. Fast forward to mid March, I’m sitting in a restaurant celebrating my roommate’s birthday and talking about the insanity and irony of the fact that every surrounding school district except ours was extending Spring Break from one week to two weeks…

”Why does this always happen to us?” 

“We NEVER get time off” 

“I can’t remember the last time we even got a snow day.” 

Little did I know that’s the last time I would dine out at a restaurant for months…the last day I would see my students whom I had taught all year…the last time I’d ever complain about not getting time off from school.

How were we supposed to know that a pandemic would sweep the country and flip our lives upside down? This virus is vicious and scary, and just downright tragic. But parts of me couldn’t help but be selfish.

We had a plan – July 2020. Move to Barcelona, get hired at language schools in August, explore Europe for a year totally care-free. The timing was perfect…no kids, no attachments, nothing stopping us….except the Coronavirus. 

Honestly…WTF?

Then life took everyone on the most unexpected turn of events. “Stay at Home” orders were issued left and right, China, Italy, and of course Spain, of all places, shut down completely.

Anybody else feel like life under “Stay at Home” right now is just like when you wait all day to watch your favorite TV show and then it gets interrupted by breaking news that you can’t turn off, it’s on every channel, and it forces you to miss all the best parts of the show?

I’ve spent the last month, like many people, working from the confines of my apartment, just waiting for life to resume to normal … for this endless cycle of bad news to break. 

This is not easy for me … I didn’t go into teaching because I have a passion for essay writing, note taking, and examining the author’s point of view. I became a teacher because I love students. I love connection. I live for the moments of my day where I can laugh and joke and bond with kids and colleagues. That’s all been taken away from me. 

They thought online teaching wouldn’t be that big of a change…we have Zoom, Google Hangouts, and Schoology Conferences. You’ll still get to see the kids, they’ll still interact and it’ll be just like a virtual version of your classroom. 

Yeah. Right. 

Ever tried to FaceTime with a 13 year old? How about FaceTiming 25 of them all at once? Talk about awkward. I went into remote learning with such a positive outlook. I thought to myself “Even if not a lot of work gets done, at least I’ll get to chat with the kids every day.” 

Well do they sure love to chat….but not over the microphone, oh no. I talk to myself on a webcam and they chime back with one word replies. I can’t blame them, I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat through a meeting and thought “Couldn’t this have been an email?” 

Don’t get me wrong, there are positives to focus on throughout this quarantine. 

SO. MUCH. TIME. 

I’ve never had the kind of time to workout over lunch, or take multiple bike rides, walks, or runs during the day. Time to keep my apartment extra tidy, do laundry before my hamper starts to overflow, and so much time to do my online TEFL course homework. 

Some would say it’s a blessing in disguise. But I can’t help but feel the stress and anxiety that creeps up on me every passing week when I turn in an assignment. That voice in my head that says “Will you even get to apply any of this in a foreign classroom?” 

The answer is YES. I will…it’s just a matter of when. 

Some of the people with whom I’ve shared my plans have reached out with condolences, sorries, and well wishes. As if I’ve lost something, as if my dream has died. When I hear that I can’t help but think of Langston Hughes’ words: “What happens to a dream deferred?” He claims it may shrivel like a raisin, or fester like an untreated wound, or even explode into nothingness. 

But just because my dream has been deferred, doesn’t mean it’s deceased. 

Our plans may be up in the air right now…but that doesn’t mean they’ve crashed and burned. 

So as I sit here on my couch (that I’m pretty sure has the imprint of my butt from all the sitting I’ve been doing) I write this not knowing what my future holds. 

I’m not going to dwell on my dreams deferred, but instead I’ll look forward to the adventures that await me when this is over. 

I’ll remain positive and hopeful in the face of adversity, knowing that I could have it much, much worse. 

And I’ll continue to hope and pray that people heal, the curve flattens, and life’s regularly scheduled programming can finally resume.